So where are you and your spouse headed for your Valentine’s Day date? Perhaps you have already had your date? Is dating a consistent part of your marriage? One of the most neglected aspects of marriage is continuing to date after marriage.
Remember when you were dating before marriage? Oh, how you planned, maybe even connived to accomplish seeing each other? Nothing would stop you. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! May I ask a question? Why did you stop dating after you were married? Have you stopped? Why?
Here are some ideas to help you put that dating spark back into your marriage:
After you put the kids to bed, play a game of Farkel and eat popcorn. (Hint: One of the best things you can do for your marriage is put your kids to bed at a certain time and don’t let them grow up sleeping with you.)
Talk a walk down the street/road/through the park, hand-in-hand, telling each other why you love them.
Share an ice cream cone from Dairy Queen, Chickfila or Sonic. Take your time and enjoy each other’s company.
Let the kids romp in the playground at Burger King or at the park, and the two of you hold hands, put your arm around each other (you have to sit on the same bench to do so!), talk, and tell your kids, this is your time. They need to learn to respect you and your space. It won’t hurt ‘em! After all, you are teaching them what marriage really looks like so they will be prepared when the times come for them to be married.
Spend some time under the stars and no cell phones!!!!!!!!!!
Cook a meal together.
Watch a bunch of funny, clean videos on Youtube and laugh and laugh and laugh, or stop by a local card store and read all the funny cards to each other.
Men, if you are having trouble coming up with what to talk about to your wife, here’s some help: Date Night Questions
Don’t make excuses for not dating! All of the suggestions above are cheap, but marriage is not cheap. It’s worth the investment!! The key is having a time set aside in your weekly calendar that is reserved for just the two of you.
And . . . husbands, you take the lead in setting up and fulfilling the dates. This will speak volumes to your wife!
So, let this Valentine’s Day date either be the renewal of a great habit or another day of a refreshing deposit in your marriage journey!
Proverbs 18:22 (NLT) says, The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.
Husbands, If you have a new Ford F-150 (or insert your favorite) sitting in your driveway, how do you protect it?
What if it’s a new Fierce Rogue hunting rifle? Or a St. Croix Triumph Travel fishing rod?
How will you protect that new house of your dreams?
Husbands, the real question is, do you protect your wife? If so, how do you protect her?
Proverbs 18:22 says she is a treasure. Ephesians 5:28 reminds us, Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.
As I mentioned in the previous posts, The Treasure of Man and Husbands, Love Your Treasure, marriage is a grace-gift from God, and we have sufficient grace to grow in Christ through the gift of marriage and the privilege of responding to our treasure in many ways that honor God and live out the gospel.
When a man takes a wife, he has stepped into one of the most blessed positions of life!
Proverbs 18:22 says, The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.
What an honor it is by the grace of God (2 Corinthians 9:8) and submission to God Ephesians 5:20) to . . .
Love this treasure
Protect this treasure
Hide this treasure
Hold this treasure
Invest in this treasure
Adore this treasure
Cherish this treasure
Even as age, sin, disagreements, sorrows, disappointments, hardships, decay, and illness etches its hurt on the heart and the outward appearance of your treasure, that doesn’t change the fact that God calls her a treasure.
Marriage is never the problem. God created marriage, and its good (Genesis 2:18-25). The issue is an old selfish sin nature that resides in both husband and wife, and the answer is to be what you became at salvation, I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me (Galatians 2:20).
Husbands, live in and by the truths of Romans 6-8, and you will be able to love your wife as Christ so loved the church (Ephesians 5:25).
She is the favor of God in your life. By God’s grace and the love of Christ in you, love her, protect her, hide her, hold her, invest in her, adore her and cherish her!
Today marks the end of February but the continuation of building and blessing your marriage.
V – Value the grace gift of marriage
A – Advance your marriage through prayer
L – Love your spouse unconditionally
E – Energize your marriage
N – Nothing should come between you and your spouse
T – Take time to cherish your spouse
I – I must not get in the way
When troubling issues between a husband and wife descend upon a marriage, the default setting is to focus all the attention or blame upon the other person. When our “expectation comes from the Lord” (Psalm 62:5) for biblical change, then we must step out of the way. One of the ways to trust God for your marriage is to refuse to make things work, change others, and/or be in control. While you are praying for God to change your spouse and/or your situation, He has set out to change you, too. You can trust God for your marriage and your spouse.
N – Never go to bed angry and unrepentant
The Word is very clear about unresolved conflicts between spouses. Do not let the sun go down on your anger . . . . Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:26, 31-32). Please let these words of God soak into your soul and obey. Leave the results with God. Confess the idolatry of wanting your own way as you run to the cross of Christ. Here’s a highly recommended resource: Marriage Conflict, Talking As Teammates, 31-Day Devotionals for Life, Steve Hoppe.
E – Enjoy the journey
God said marriage was good before sin entered into this world (Genesis 2:18-25). For all aspects of marriage success and fulfillment, look to the Creator of marriage and trust Him day-by-day to grow you and your marriage for His glory (1 Corinthians 10:31) and for the gospel (Ephesians 5:18-33). Do not set your expectations on your spouse and try to change them. Take your burdens and the issues of your heart to the Lord in intercessory prayer (1 Peter 5:6-7). Take your focus off of what you want and what you expect from your spouse and say, “My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my hope is from Him” (Psalm 62:5).
If you have missed any of this series, just check out the previous posts. Set your affection on God first, soak your soul in Colossians 3 and may this gift of marriage be a tool of growth in Christ for the glory of God through all the joys, hardships, sorrows, disappointments, and pleasures!
Monday’s Ministry Encouragement: Written to encourage you, my friend in ministry, to be refreshed and renewed as we live for Christ and look toward the Bema.
Ministry Friend, what have you planned for Valentine’s Day for your wife? You’ve had a full weekend and Sunday. May I encourage you to consider the following?
Is your marriage stalling out? In a dry season? Need some energy?
Continuing to use the acrostic V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E, here’s another idea to help make this a blessed month of growth and change in biblical love in marriage.
E – Energize your marriage
The word “engergize” means “to give vitality and enthusiasm to.” Does your marriage need some life, some energy, some revving up!!
A marriage declines over a period of time. As I said at the beginning of this series, no man decides on a whim to get a divorce.
Sadly, the decline occurs when marriages experience more “withdrawals” than “investments.”
Obviously, if you continue to use your debit card without putting any funds in the bank, your withdrawals will overcome your investments and your are overdrawn. You have a negative bank balance.
Some husbands and wives are overwhelmed in their marriage; their “marriage bank account” is depleted and dry.
If that is you, may I encourage you make the following investments?
Investment #1:Believe that no marriage is too far gone to be recovered and renewedby God’s grace.
The absolute, preeminent starting point for every sin, heartache, issue, perplexity, uncertainty, fear, sorrow, risk, hardship, etc. is with God (Psalms 61:1-3; 66:1-5; Matthew 11:28-30).
Read, meditate and pray through each of the passages of Scripture given above and below and others, calling out to God on behalf of your spouse and your marriage. The best investment you can make is prayer! Please don’t underestimate the power of God in prayer! He is able, and His grace is sufficient!!
Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You. (Jeremiah 32:17)
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:29-31)
And God is able to make all grace [every favor and earthly blessing] come in abundance to you, so that you may always [under all circumstances, regardless of the need] have complete sufficiency in everything [being completely self-sufficient in Him], and have an abundance for every good work and act of charity. (2 Corinthians 9:8 AMP)
Investment #2: Forgive one another now and often.
Our old sin nature and our heart will lie to us telling us that we don’t deserve such treatment; that we have a right to be happy; that holding a grudge and seeking revenge is the way to go!
At this point, you must look at the cross and see Christ taking your place as your substitute (Isaiah 53:4-6; 1 Peter 2:24), paying the price for all your sin by His blood and forgiving you all of your sin, past, present, and future (Ephesians 1:7; Colossians 1:13-14; Hebrews 9:22). Now you are no longer under condemnation or the wrath of God (Romans 5:8-9; 8:1).
With that view, if you are born again; a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, then you cannot hold a grudge over your spouse, pour out your wrath upon him or her, or keep a record of wrongs done to you, in other words, get “historical.” Just as you have received the covering and removal of your sin by the precious blood of Christ in forgiveness, you must forgive, too!
There’s a form of debt in your marriage (and all relationships) far more dangerous than financial debt.
It’s relational debt.
“And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12)
In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus is not talking about personal finances or budget. Instead, he’s talking about something that’s supposed to happen in healthy relationships—forgiveness.
Why is it such a struggle to forgive? Why don’t people forgive at all? The sad reality is that there is short-term power, albeit destructive, in refusing to forgive the other person. There are dark “benefits” in keeping someone else in our relational debt.
Keeping a record of our spouse’s wrongs gives us the upper hand in the relationship. There is power in having something to hold over another’s head. There is power in using a person’s weakness and failure against them, so in moments when we want our own way, we pull out some wrong against our spouse as our relational trump card.
How ugly and selfish is that?
It seems almost too obvious to say, but forgiveness is a much better way than unforgiveness. It’s the only way to live in an intimate, long-term relationship with another sinner. It’s the only way to negotiate through the weakness and failure that will daily mark your marriage.
Forgiveness is a relational transaction that needs to occur in moments when sin has gotten in the way of the unity, love, and understanding between a husband and wife (or any two people for that matter).
Paul David Tripp
Forgiveness lifts the burden off our shoulders of bearing wrongs and restores what has been broken.
The more you are willing to pursue forgiveness, the more you experience its blessings. It’s the only way to deal with hurt and disappointment. It’s the only way to have hope and confidence restored. It’s the only way to protect your love and reinforce the unity that you have built. It’s the only way not to be kidnapped by the past.
Canceling relational debt is a beautiful and necessary thing, not only for your marriage but in every single relationship in your life. (Paul David Tripp, Wednesday Word, 2/23/2022)
What investments will you make in your marriage today? Grace and forgiveness will restore any broken relationship if you will “lay down your sword” and run to the cross in utmost humility. (James 4:1-3, 6-10)
So far this series, we have seen at least four ways to divorce-proof your marriage:
Make a habit of praying together.
Reject living your lives on two separate tracks.
Don’t make a habit of sleeping single in a double bed.
Humble yourself and do not wait to seek help when needed.
Now, you say, “How did you come up with this list?” These are common threads seen in all the couples we have counseled over the years whose marriages were falling apart.
The fifth way to make sure your marriage is divorce-proof is to make communication a priority.
Let’s begin with the “mute” side of things:
When you go out to eat, you are not engaged in conversation; your mind and your eyes wonder all over the place. You are more interested, for instance, men, in eating, watching the TV screens or checking your phone than creating meaningful conversation.
You limit your conversation to the basic elements of the day such as: “What time will you be home?” or “Who’s getting the kids at school today?” or “What’s for supper?”
Neither husband nor wife are willing to take time to listen to each other share about their day and their personal cares.
You connect in more meaningful conversation with your children and co-workers than your spouse.
You do not discuss future plans, purchases, or goals.
You carry past hurts and offenses around in your heart for days, weeks, months, years.
How do you correct this “mute” situation?
Set aside a time each day to just talk to each other. If you have children, have a set time for them to go to bed each night. Don’t let your children come between you and your spouse working on your communication. If you are empty-nesters, talk with each other in the morning or at a meal. Give each other at least ten minutes of your undivided attention FOR TALKING. . . and concentrated listening.
The person you should have the most intimate conversations with is your spouse. Therefore, guard emails, Facebook messages, texts and tweets to the opposite sex.
Men, you initiate the conversation. Your wife is longing for you to talk to her which helps fulfill her need for security. It tells her that she’s important and what she has to say is important. Ask her about her day, her concerns, her disappointments, what God is teaching her from the Word, about her ambitions and desires, what she has been thinking lately about life, church, school, the children, etc.
Wives, talk about things that matter to your husband—his work, his goals, his desires, how God is working in his life, etc. Please take this in the right spirit please, wives, learn to be quiet and let him talk. Don’t interrupt.
Let love cover a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Don’t harbor grudges, offenses, or bitterness. Talk lovingly about what concerns you and respond biblically. Take it to the cross; run to Christ (Philippians 2:5-11; Ephesians 4:29-32).
Learn to be transparent and vulnerable with each other. Trust has to be developed, but complete openness between one another is priceless. This produces wholesome intimacy (Genesis 2:25).
Return to the days when you had a love language that was all your own with pet nicknames, love songs, terms of endearment, whispering in each other’s ear, etc, etc, etc. Do you catch my drift?????
Recently, while standing in line at a funeral calling, I became acquainted with a young man in front of me. He asked me how long I had been married, and I said, “41 years and it’s gets better every year.” Quickly he said, “What’s your secret?” I answered “Work at your marriage every day.”
So, which one of you will start the conversation going today?
So, you just had another disagreement. Cross, jabbing words were spoken. Anger is written all over your face. The strength of the door frame and hinges have been tested again. You are courtroom sure that you are in the right! What are you going to do?
The fourth way to make sure your marriage does not end up in divorce is to humble yourself and not wait to seek help.
Marriages don’t disintegrate over night. They eventually reach the critical point when:
You think “hiding it under the rug” will make the problem go away.
You refuse to accept that you have a problem.
You think you can work it out on your own by your own schemes.
You are too proud to ask for help.
You are more concerned about what someone might think of you.
If you are in this situation, stop fooling yourself into thinking it will get better.
First, admit to God your problem/sin as well as your insufficiency to correct it.
Second, be honest with your spouse in a loving manner.
Third, call on a trusted friend, pastor or mentor who will give you loving, forth-right biblical counsel (not tell you what you want to hear).
Forth, repent and change.
Last of all, walk by faith in the principles and promises of God’s Word.
Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.
Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety
Proverbs 26:12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
Ecclesiastes 7:8 Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
James 4:6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”
If you are in vocational Christian ministry and your marriage needs refreshment; perhaps a caring, listening ear, and/or a place to just get away, please contact me at bcbcpastor@comcast.net. My wife and I would love to connect with you!
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