Today marks the end of February but the continuation of building and blessing your marriage.
V – Value the grace gift of marriage
A – Advance your marriage through prayer
L – Love your spouse unconditionally
E – Energize your marriage
N – Nothing should come between you and your spouse
T – Take time to cherish your spouse
I – I must not get in the way
When troubling issues between a husband and wife descend upon a marriage, the default setting is to focus all the attention or blame upon the other person. When our “expectation comes from the Lord” (Psalm 62:5) for biblical change, then we must step out of the way. One of the ways to trust God for your marriage is to refuse to make things work, change others, and/or be in control. While you are praying for God to change your spouse and/or your situation, He has set out to change you, too. You can trust God for your marriage and your spouse.
N – Never go to bed angry and unrepentant
The Word is very clear about unresolved conflicts between spouses. Do not let the sun go down on your anger . . . . Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:26, 31-32). Please let these words of God soak into your soul and obey. Leave the results with God. Confess the idolatry of wanting your own way as you run to the cross of Christ. Here’s a highly recommended resource: Marriage Conflict, Talking As Teammates, 31-Day Devotionals for Life, Steve Hoppe.
E – Enjoy the journey
God said marriage was good before sin entered into this world (Genesis 2:18-25). For all aspects of marriage success and fulfillment, look to the Creator of marriage and trust Him day-by-day to grow you and your marriage for His glory (1 Corinthians 10:31) and for the gospel (Ephesians 5:18-33). Do not set your expectations on your spouse and try to change them. Take your burdens and the issues of your heart to the Lord in intercessory prayer (1 Peter 5:6-7). Take your focus off of what you want and what you expect from your spouse and say, “My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my hope is from Him” (Psalm 62:5).
If you have missed any of this series, just check out the previous posts. Set your affection on God first, soak your soul in Colossians 3 and may this gift of marriage be a tool of growth in Christ for the glory of God through all the joys, hardships, sorrows, disappointments, and pleasures!
Is your marriage stalling out? In a dry season? Need some energy?
Continuing to use the acrostic V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E, here’s another idea to help make this a blessed month of growth and change in biblical love in marriage.
E – Energize your marriage
The word “engergize” means “to give vitality and enthusiasm to.” Does your marriage need some life, some energy, some revving up!!
A marriage declines over a period of time. As I said at the beginning of this series, no man decides on a whim to get a divorce.
Sadly, the decline occurs when marriages experience more “withdrawals” than “investments.”
Obviously, if you continue to use your debit card without putting any funds in the bank, your withdrawals will overcome your investments and your are overdrawn. You have a negative bank balance.
Some husbands and wives are overwhelmed in their marriage; their “marriage bank account” is depleted and dry.
If that is you, may I encourage you make the following investments?
Investment #1:Believe that no marriage is too far gone to be recovered and renewedby God’s grace.
The absolute, preeminent starting point for every sin, heartache, issue, perplexity, uncertainty, fear, sorrow, risk, hardship, etc. is with God (Psalms 61:1-3; 66:1-5; Matthew 11:28-30).
Read, meditate and pray through each of the passages of Scripture given above and below and others, calling out to God on behalf of your spouse and your marriage. The best investment you can make is prayer! Please don’t underestimate the power of God in prayer! He is able, and His grace is sufficient!!
Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You. (Jeremiah 32:17)
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:29-31)
And God is able to make all grace [every favor and earthly blessing] come in abundance to you, so that you may always [under all circumstances, regardless of the need] have complete sufficiency in everything [being completely self-sufficient in Him], and have an abundance for every good work and act of charity. (2 Corinthians 9:8 AMP)
Investment #2: Forgive one another now and often.
Our old sin nature and our heart will lie to us telling us that we don’t deserve such treatment; that we have a right to be happy; that holding a grudge and seeking revenge is the way to go!
At this point, you must look at the cross and see Christ taking your place as your substitute (Isaiah 53:4-6; 1 Peter 2:24), paying the price for all your sin by His blood and forgiving you all of your sin, past, present, and future (Ephesians 1:7; Colossians 1:13-14; Hebrews 9:22). Now you are no longer under condemnation or the wrath of God (Romans 5:8-9; 8:1).
With that view, if you are born again; a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, then you cannot hold a grudge over your spouse, pour out your wrath upon him or her, or keep a record of wrongs done to you, in other words, get “historical.” Just as you have received the covering and removal of your sin by the precious blood of Christ in forgiveness, you must forgive, too!
There’s a form of debt in your marriage (and all relationships) far more dangerous than financial debt.
It’s relational debt.
“And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12)
In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus is not talking about personal finances or budget. Instead, he’s talking about something that’s supposed to happen in healthy relationships—forgiveness.
Why is it such a struggle to forgive? Why don’t people forgive at all? The sad reality is that there is short-term power, albeit destructive, in refusing to forgive the other person. There are dark “benefits” in keeping someone else in our relational debt.
Keeping a record of our spouse’s wrongs gives us the upper hand in the relationship. There is power in having something to hold over another’s head. There is power in using a person’s weakness and failure against them, so in moments when we want our own way, we pull out some wrong against our spouse as our relational trump card.
How ugly and selfish is that?
It seems almost too obvious to say, but forgiveness is a much better way than unforgiveness. It’s the only way to live in an intimate, long-term relationship with another sinner. It’s the only way to negotiate through the weakness and failure that will daily mark your marriage.
Forgiveness is a relational transaction that needs to occur in moments when sin has gotten in the way of the unity, love, and understanding between a husband and wife (or any two people for that matter).
Paul David Tripp
Forgiveness lifts the burden off our shoulders of bearing wrongs and restores what has been broken.
The more you are willing to pursue forgiveness, the more you experience its blessings. It’s the only way to deal with hurt and disappointment. It’s the only way to have hope and confidence restored. It’s the only way to protect your love and reinforce the unity that you have built. It’s the only way not to be kidnapped by the past.
Canceling relational debt is a beautiful and necessary thing, not only for your marriage but in every single relationship in your life. (Paul David Tripp, Wednesday Word, 2/23/2022)
What investments will you make in your marriage today? Grace and forgiveness will restore any broken relationship if you will “lay down your sword” and run to the cross in utmost humility. (James 4:1-3, 6-10)
So far this series, we have seen at least four ways to divorce-proof your marriage:
Make a habit of praying together.
Reject living your lives on two separate tracks.
Don’t make a habit of sleeping single in a double bed.
Humble yourself and do not wait to seek help when needed.
Now, you say, “How did you come up with this list?” These are common threads seen in all the couples we have counseled over the years whose marriages were falling apart.
The fifth way to make sure your marriage is divorce-proof is to make communication a priority.
Let’s begin with the “mute” side of things:
When you go out to eat, you are not engaged in conversation; your mind and your eyes wonder all over the place. You are more interested, for instance, men, in eating, watching the TV screens or checking your phone than creating meaningful conversation.
You limit your conversation to the basic elements of the day such as: “What time will you be home?” or “Who’s getting the kids at school today?” or “What’s for supper?”
Neither husband nor wife are willing to take time to listen to each other share about their day and their personal cares.
You connect in more meaningful conversation with your children and co-workers than your spouse.
You do not discuss future plans, purchases, or goals.
You carry past hurts and offenses around in your heart for days, weeks, months, years.
How do you correct this “mute” situation?
Set aside a time each day to just talk to each other. If you have children, have a set time for them to go to bed each night. Don’t let your children come between you and your spouse working on your communication. If you are empty-nesters, talk with each other in the morning or at a meal. Give each other at least ten minutes of your undivided attention FOR TALKING. . . and concentrated listening.
The person you should have the most intimate conversations with is your spouse. Therefore, guard emails, Facebook messages, texts and tweets to the opposite sex.
Men, you initiate the conversation. Your wife is longing for you to talk to her which helps fulfill her need for security. It tells her that she’s important and what she has to say is important. Ask her about her day, her concerns, her disappointments, what God is teaching her from the Word, about her ambitions and desires, what she has been thinking lately about life, church, school, the children, etc.
Wives, talk about things that matter to your husband—his work, his goals, his desires, how God is working in his life, etc. Please take this in the right spirit please, wives, learn to be quiet and let him talk. Don’t interrupt.
Let love cover a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Don’t harbor grudges, offenses, or bitterness. Talk lovingly about what concerns you and respond biblically. Take it to the cross; run to Christ (Philippians 2:5-11; Ephesians 4:29-32).
Learn to be transparent and vulnerable with each other. Trust has to be developed, but complete openness between one another is priceless. This produces wholesome intimacy (Genesis 2:25).
Return to the days when you had a love language that was all your own with pet nicknames, love songs, terms of endearment, whispering in each other’s ear, etc, etc, etc. Do you catch my drift?????
Recently, while standing in line at a funeral calling, I became acquainted with a young man in front of me. He asked me how long I had been married, and I said, “41 years and it’s gets better every year.” Quickly he said, “What’s your secret?” I answered “Work at your marriage every day.”
So, which one of you will start the conversation going today?
So, you just had another disagreement. Cross, jabbing words were spoken. Anger is written all over your face. The strength of the door frame and hinges have been tested again. You are courtroom sure that you are in the right! What are you going to do?
The fourth way to make sure your marriage does not end up in divorce is to humble yourself and not wait to seek help.
Marriages don’t disintegrate over night. They eventually reach the critical point when:
You think “hiding it under the rug” will make the problem go away.
You refuse to accept that you have a problem.
You think you can work it out on your own by your own schemes.
You are too proud to ask for help.
You are more concerned about what someone might think of you.
If you are in this situation, stop fooling yourself into thinking it will get better.
First, admit to God your problem/sin as well as your insufficiency to correct it.
Second, be honest with your spouse in a loving manner.
Third, call on a trusted friend, pastor or mentor who will give you loving, forth-right biblical counsel (not tell you what you want to hear).
Forth, repent and change.
Last of all, walk by faith in the principles and promises of God’s Word.
Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.
Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety
Proverbs 26:12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
Ecclesiastes 7:8 Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
James 4:6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”
If you are in vocational Christian ministry and your marriage needs refreshment; perhaps a caring, listening ear, and/or a place to just get away, please contact me at bcbcpastor@comcast.net. My wife and I would love to connect with you!
Years ago, country music artist, Barbara Mandrell, made popular a song entitled, Sleeping Single in a Double Bed. The song laments the husband’s departure and how lonely the nights are without him by her side. I’m not condoning the song, but sadly, this song title is played out in many marriages night-after-night.
So, what’s another way to divorce-proof your marriage? Don’t make a habit of sleeping single in a double bed.
The Word of God says, Marriage is honorable (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) among all, and the bed undefiled (pure); but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:4-5).
What are some things we can learn from this passage that would correct this marriage-killer?
Marriage is honorable because God ordained it at creation (Genesis 2:18), and it is recognized as such by all three persons of the Trinity (Matthew 19:1-9; John 2:1-11; Ephesians 5:18-33).
Marriage is honorable as a lifetime commitment between one woman and one man (Genesis 2:18-25; Malachi 2:16; Matthew 19:1-9; Ephesians 5:18-33).
Marriage is honorable because it is physically and spiritually fulfilling. When marriage is not given its rightful place, then discontentment and covetousness sets in. The temptation to “graze in other fields” and think that what you have is just not good enough leads to a broken home and a reproach to Christ. Just as Christ said He would never leave us or forsake us, so should a husband and wife follow suit. The plans and provisions of God for man and woman is sufficient for all of life.
Marriage is honorable and the bed is too. The marriage bed refers to sex within the boundaries of marriage. Take heed to the following from Pastor Steve Cole:
But the Bible affirms the pleasure of the sexual relationship in marriage, both for men and women. Solomon instructs his son to let his wife’s breasts satisfy him at all times, and to be exhilarated with her love (Prov. 5:19). The Song of Solomon extols the joys of sex in marriage for both partners. Paul tells both husbands and wives that they do not have authority over their own bodies, but their spouse does, and that they have a responsibility to meet the sexual needs of their mate as a preventative to immorality (1 Cor. 7:2-5). Sarah refers to sexual relations with her husband as having pleasure with him (Gen. 18:12).
Sex in marriage is directly related to the interpersonal relationship. God designed it that way. There must be mutual sensitivity, caring, and respect in the relationship between husband and wife as the foundation for the enjoyment of the sexual aspect. But I am emphasizing what Paul states, that it is a God-given preventative against sexual sin (1 Cor. 7:2). I once counseled a couple where the husband had fallen into adultery. He and his wife had not had sexual relations in over ten years and she assumed that everything was just fine! He was really angry about this, but he hadn’t said anything. When a neighbor woman became friendly, he fell. Sadly, the couple eventually divorced. It all could have been avoided if they had followed the clear teaching of Scripture: “Stop depriving one another” (1 Cor. 7:5).
So, you want to divorce-proof your marriage, then honor what God said is honorable! Here are some practical steps:
Go to bed together. Turn off the TV, the computer, the video games, etc. If you are making a habit of staying up while your spouse goes to bed, you are not creating an environment of intimacy, love, care and prayer. One of the sweetest things you can do before drifting off to sleep is pray while holding hands and together casting all your care on the Lord.
Put the children in their bed. I realize that our little ones can be frightened by storms, for instance, but your children need to know that your bedroom is your haven, not theirs. They have their rooms. Our children should never become a hindrance to a healthy marriage. What a paradox—you let the children sleep with you and it becomes an obstacle in your marriage because you have put them before your spouse. Then if a divorce happens, the children are the ones who get the worse end of the split! Even in reference to the bed, you need to show your children what a real, honorable marriage looks like.
Make your bedroom a place you really want to be. If the marriage bed is called honorable by God, then make the bedroom honorable. Make up your bed in the morning and have nice blankets and covers on your bed. Make your bedroom inviting. Don’t stack stuff up on the dresser or leave clothes piled up on the floor or your bedroom looking like a dungeon. Make your bedroom a castle even on a meager budget. Add some romantic touches like candles, music, pictures with love quotes, etc.
Don’t go to bed angry. Ephesians 4:26 reminds us, Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Anger has destroyed many marriages. Here’s where praying and forgiveness, whether you feel like it or not, would be so helpful to diffuse and correct any situation of anger.
Don’t make up excuses for not sleeping together. So, for instance, your husband snores. Get some earplugs, medical help, play music, whatever, but let your marriage vows of “for better, for worse” be fulfilled here. Now, I realize that health issues may cause you to sleep elsewhere, but if all is well, please sleep with your spouse. Make up for time away a night during the day! Remember, your flesh and the devil will give you all the excuses you need to destroy your relationship.
God is able, and He is faithful (1 Corinthians 10:13; 2 Corinthians 9:8)
41st Anniversary Dinner Date at Beauty Spot on the AT
As I mentioned in the previous post, no one stands before the preacher on their wedding day and says, “I wonder how we can get a divorce?” But as time rolls along, the shine wears off of that glorious wedding day, the demands, conflicts, pressures and distractions of life crowd in, and husbands and wives begin to take each other for granted.
Furthermore, no married couple ends up in divorce court because they decided on a whim to take a drive downtown to visit the judge and end their marriage! But, sadly, somewhere along the line, the marriage begins to deteriorate and divorce becomes a potential reality.
Here’s another way to divorce-proof your marriage.
Reject living your lives on two separate tracks
Genesis 2:18, 23-25, And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
God intended for a husband and wife to have a close, intimate relationship by cleaving to one another, sharing life together and not living on two separate tracks.
One of the ways to accomplish God’s plan, no matter how long you have been married or how old you are, is to go back to doing the things you did when you dated before marriage or in those early years of marriage.
Too many couples stop dating after they are married.
Man likes a conquest, so when he finally is married, he has conquered. In his mind, since he has won over his bride, it’s time to move on to the next conquest. Therefore, he often leaves his wife in the dust!
Dating can be so much fun!!
Now, I have to admit that my dating life in high school and college for the most part was hazardous at best! I will say that my eyes lit up like Christmas morning when I went to college and heard that there were three girls to every one guy!! Hubba, hubba!!
No matter, dating comes with its own set of actions that quite frankly need to be carried on into and through our married lives. To maintain and enjoy the grace gift of marriage, put some spice back into your life! Act like you are dating again. Go through the list below and start enjoying each other again.
Remember when you dated?
You were always thinking about each other. No way you could have a profitable day at school or work because he/she was always on your mind!
You looked for every chance to be with each other. School or work would not end soon enough!!
You left little reminders here and there to remind your sweetheart of your love and devotion. It might have been a note left in a conspicuous location, their favorite candy bar, a “call up on the radio and request their favorite song” reminder, a romantic card sent through the mail, a phone message, etc.
You held hands as you walked through the amusement park. You were always looking for that ride that gave you good reason to snuggle up! You were just hoping that she would be afraid and seek the shelter of your arms!! You shared some popcorn and a Coke as you sat under the shade tree and looked so adoringly into each other’s eyes. Fun times at the amusement park!
You talked for hours and hours and hours and hours on the phone!
You dressed up for each other. You wanted to look sharp! You smelled good, too. 🙂
As a man, you always paid the bill on a date, opened the car door for her, seated her at the table, showed her great respect, and was her protector.
You had fun together!
Take some time to read Song of Solomon 1:7-19 as a couple. Note how the Shulamite and the Beloved are talking to each other, praising each other, adoring each other. They were intentionally spending time together . . . perhaps on a date!
Husband, plan a date with your sweetheart this week? Enjoy the wife of your youth (Proverbs 5:18).
What “log’ have you added to the fire of your marriage in the last 24 hours?
Just as you must continue to stoke a campfire to keep it burning, you must do so in marriage, and that on a daily basis.
How easy it is to take our wife for granted.
Too many relationships are built on what the husband or wife does or doesn’t do for each other.
Today, husband, take your wife by the hand, look her in the eye, and share with her the reasons why you love her. Do not mention any of her actions, what she does or does not do. Share from your heart her inward qualities, her character traits.
“Sweetheart, I love you because you are . . . .”
Find a quiet place to be alone. Take your time. Be real. Enjoy the moment. Confess sin if need be. Encourage her. Be one. No finger pointing.
Then, pray for your wife with thanksgiving acknowledging the work of God’s grace in her life in the past, the present and the days to come.
I love my firepit out back! There’s just something special about a fire on a cool evening, fixings for s’mores, my wife, and the sun setting behind us.
My family and others laugh at me about how much I love building a fire. One thing is for certain, if I don’t feed the fire or stir the embers, it will go out. And, I’m always a bit disappointed to see a good fire come to an end because guests have left or it’s time to call it a night.
As my wife and I approach our 41st wedding anniversary, we are reminded that stirring the embers is a constant need if any marriage is to thrive and survive!
Marriage is a blessed grace gift from God that He owns (Genesis 2:18-25; Matthew 19:4-6), and He enables its fulfillment even in the toughest of times (1 Peter 3:1-7; 4:1-11; 5:5-10).
Here’s five “logs” to add to the fire of your marriage lest it fade and die out. You do not want to just be married in name only, sadly so distant from each other.
Log #1 – Keep on dating long after you have been married! This can happen at home, in the backyard, at the kitchen table, at the coffee shop/bookstore, at the beach, in the mountains, downtown, or in another country.
Log #2 – Do not let your children come between you and your spouse. You vowed to love and cherish your spouse until death do you part. You promised to let no one come between you and your spouse.
One of the greatest securities you can offer your children is to have a fun, loving, devoted, gospel-driven marriage!
Log #3 – Hug and kiss! Repeat. Hug and kiss! Repeat. Hug and kiss! Repeat. — Like you wanted to and did when you were engaged!! Don’t fall into the trap of quick pecks/kisses!
Log #4 – Leave loves notes or cards around the house, in a book, on the mirror, attached to the stirring wheel in the car/truck, or via texts.
Log #5 – Make prayer with each other a priority on a daily basis! Even if you are out of town, call on the phone.
How’s your marriage fire right now?
Do the embers need to be stirred?
Well, have at it! Throw a log on the fire right now!!
From A Pastor's Heart 